I’m sorry.

I owe you an apology.

You probably don’t even realize what I’ve done to you.  What I’ve secretly demanded.

How I expected something from you that wasn’t reasonable.  

Here’s the deal - I have looked to you, and all the others, striving to get the approval, acceptance, admiration and applause that my soul craves.

It’s hard to say that out loud.  It makes me sound pretty insecure, doesn’t it?  But even as I write my confession, I sense the power of its hold loosen!

I know that I have God’s full acceptance and approval.  I am truly confident and secure in His love for me.  So why have I been stuck here for such a long time?  Always striving for these from people?

Circling around this mountain again and again, I encounter God’s love and His approval, and am filled.  Yet I journey a few steps and my eyes leave His face and I am back to seeking your face.  Your approval, your acceptance, your admiration, and your applause.  Ironically, even when I have received these from you, it only feels good for a while - then I just need more.  

I look back at journal entries I’ve made over the years and it’s a theme.  A repetition of thought and struggle for me. It’s another circling Mt. Horeb, like the Israelites. God had shown them His glory, many miraculous signs, and the law to guide them in a life of worship and blessing.  But they’d turn to the left or the right and forget that He was enough.  They began to believe a lie.  That they needed something else.  Something more.  They created a golden calf and worshipped that, rather than God.  It sounds so ridiculous and I’ve often wondered how they could even compare the glory of a man made, golden bovine to The Almighty God of the Universe!

But I’ve done the same.  My golden calf just looks like you.  And the others.  Ordinary human beings that I have given more value to the opinions of, than to the opinion of God Himself.   And that, my friend, is idolatry.  It has been a very hard truth for my searching spirit to hear.  But as I’ve journeyed through those old journals and found myself recently asking God to reveal to me the lie at the core of this repeated issue of trying so hard to be admired, He kindly and with great mercy and tenderness, answered.  

Sometimes, we have to ask the hard question and then just be willing to wait.  Quietly.  Expectantly.  

I had written this in my journal as I queried, 

“Father, You have promised that You give me the keys to the kingdom. This is an issue that I need a key to.  I need to unlock a door that has kept me locked in a wrong mindset.  I’m not even sure what the door is, but You do!  So please give me that key!  Show me the lie at the root.  I know You want me to be free and I need understanding to get there! What do You want me to know?”

And then… He showed me!  God revealed to me the lie at the core of my struggle.

The Lie is that the approval, acceptance, admiration and applause of people is more valuable than that of God.

The Lie is that another person’s assessment of me is what defines me, rather than God defining me.

And these boil down to one ugly thing… IDOLATRY.

A golden calf.

So you see, I dipped you in gold and set you on my mantle.  Every time I saw you, I hoped you’d notice me.  I hoped you would be amazed.  Impressed.  I valued your thoughts about me and your admiration of me far too much.  I looked to you for what I craved, but what only God can give.  And anything I value more highly than God, is an idol.  

Ugh.

But oh the sweet beauty in this process, my friend! 

Along with the key to the lie, God gave me the key to my freedom.  Once I identified the root lie, I have been able to use the key God gave me to unlock the bars of entrapment.  He reminded me of the power of confession!

So I have confessed that lie.

I have repented of it, which is to turn my mind and myself in a new direction.

I am speaking the truth of The Truth. 

Creating new paths for my thoughts to travel that line up with Truth.

HE has approved of me.  HE has accepted me.  HE admires me.  And HE applauds me!

And HE is more worthy of my praise and worship and attention that anything or anyone else.

I am searching His Word for the truths that speak to this.  I am meditating on and speaking them.  I am preaching to myself.  I am remaining vigilant to the subtle ways my thoughts try to return to old patterns of thinking.  Ruts worn deep from repeated travel.   

And I am creating NEW “ruts”.  I’m calling them channels, because they are intentionally being carved as passage-ways in my mind for carrying truth from one place to the next.  From my mind, to my heart, to my spirit, and to my body.  Truth channels that I will choose to use again and again until they become the default mode for the transport of my thoughts.  Truth Words that will grow deeper and wider with repetition. And Truth thoughts that will have freedom to travel to, refresh, and nourish each part of my being. 

I’m digging Truth channels that I will choose to use again and again until they become the default mode for the transport of my thoughts.

* “Father God, I confess that I have believed a lie, that the opinions & admiration of humans for me is higher than Yours.  I see it now, it’s idolatry and pride and I confess that I have allowed it to take hold and be formative in my life.

I refute those lies in the strong name of Jesus and I receive the cleansing, forgiving and healing from their affects.

I will now confess and speak in agreement with what You say.  I agree with the Truth.  That I am fully loved by You, regardless of my actions, accomplishments, failures, and efforts.  I am filled with Your Spirit and am sealed as Your beloved!  I am not under the law of the flesh and its demand of performance.  The flesh has no power over me, because I walk and live by the Spirit.  I belong to Christ and have crucified the flesh and it’s passions for self-glory.

Oh Lord, my Lord, how majestic is Your name in all the earth!  More than any other name!  Who am I that You are mindful of me?  And yet You’ve made me a little lower than the heavenly beings and crowned me with glory and honor!

How can I compare anyone else to You God?  Anything I make as an idol, molded, dipped in gold, is nothing!  God it is You that created the heavens and the earth and none can compare with You! No one is Your equal and I will not let anyone stand as equal or above You, in my heart or mind.

Let the words of my mouth and the meditations and thoughts of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer. O Lord, my God, NO ONE can compare with you!

I see that the fear of human opinion disables and sets a trap for me, so I choose to trust only in YOU for my identity and for Your opinion, for that is where I have protection.

I live by the Spirit and keep in step with the Spirit. I will not sow to my own flesh, or I’ll reap from it corruption.  But I will sow to the spirit and I will reap from the spirit eternal life.

I am blessed, chosen, loved and adopted. I am forgiven and lavished with Your grace. I have an inheritance that is eternal.  I am being enlightened more and more to know my true hope and calling and the power You work in and through me. I am saved and seated with You in heavenly places. I am Your workmanship and Your carefully created ‘poem’. I have a good calling and purposes that You have already created and prepared for me to do.

You continually draw me to deeper revelation of Your love for me, that is beyond comprehension;  deeper, wider, higher and longer than anything I can imagine!

Not only do I have Your love, Father God, but You rejoice over me with gladness and loud singing.  I have captivated Your heart.”

(Now that is some serious approval, acceptance, admiration, & applause!)

*From:  Galatians 5:16-18; 6:8;  Psalm 8; Psalm 19:14;  Isaiah 40:18-25;  Psalm 40:5 (TPT);  Proverbs 29:25;  Galatians 5:24-25;  Ephesians 1-3;  Zephaniah 3:17;  Song of Songs 4:9